So here’s the part 2 of Menopause like a Motherfucker. Let’s discuss the miraculousness of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

Do you know how I found this miracle? On the advice or suggestion any of the myriad of doctors I was seeing for all of my symptoms? My gyno? My orthopedic dr for my shoulder and hip? My gp? Absolutely not. I FUCKING FIGURED IT OUT FOR MYSELF. And that in and of itself is fucked up and it exactly what I meant when I said no one is talking about this. Half of the population of the entire world is women. That means that half of the population of the entire world have already, currently are or will in the future go thru menopause. If it were a thing that happened to the OTHER half of the population of the world (men) do you seriously think it wouldn’t have a cure? You bet your ass it would.

So thru my own research and at the suggestion of some friends, I found Dr Maryclaire Haver on instagram. She is the starting point. A literal shining beacon of hope. She is like the high priestess of our witches coven on menopausal women who are just done with everyone’s bullshit and ignoring us or telling us to suck it up buttercup. And I went from there. Deep dive into all the research, all the testimonials, all the actual menopause friendly doctors, actual science, etc. and I decided to just try hormone replacement therapy. Online. On my own. Because my gyno doesn’t prescribe that. To anyone. Ever. He threw some samples of bullshit meds at me to reduce hot flashes. Like seriously? Hot flashes are the least of my fucking problems dude. Have you listened to a single word I said?? I felt totally unseen and unheard. I have always been a big believer if you want something done right, do it yourself. So I fucking did.

After doing all of this research, I felt (those of you who know me know I think I have my medical degree- but oddly enough my track record of self diagnoses and of family members is at about 98% confirmed by actual doctors) I felt like I’d be a good candidate for HRT. I always did well with birth control pills way back when so hormones and I were ok, no family history of breast or uterine cancers, no family or self history of stroke or blood clots. All my most recent bloodwork came back good from my gp.

I went to mywinona.com, filled out the intake forms (truthfully) with my medical history, family history, current symptoms, etc. I was then reviewed by a doctor (an actual real doctor) and was onboarded, paid for my prescriptions and they were in the mail to me within about a week and a half from the beginning of the process. I chose the estrogen patch (after researching I didn’t love the compounded cream idea), DHEA and progesterone pills. And holy shit you guys- I’m like cured!! No, I didn’t do hormone testing (again after researching it seems unnecessary- they prescribe to your symptoms and it was beyond obvious the estrogen left the fucking building and I had zero left for over a year). I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing I feel!! Truly a fucking miracle.

Brain fog lifted, positional vertigo vastly improved (I think I’ll probably always have this but at least it’s manageable), hot flashes literally completely gone. Like poof- my internal thermostat was reset. No more night sweats waking up in a pool of sweat and then freezing 5 minutes later, no rush of anxiety before every hot flash cause there aren’t any!!

Let’s discuss sleep. Omg, sleep is AAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAZZZZZIIIIINNNNGGG! I actually fall asleep and STAY asleep all night. If I wake up to pee or anything I can go right back to sleep! Like what??! I’m even going to sleep at a more normal hour (12-1am instead of 3-4am) and waking up at a more normal hour (without an alarm clock) and feel awake and ready for the day. That is NOT my normal morning feeling. Ever. Everrrr. Such restful sleep and I even look forward to bedtime because before HRT I was dreading it every night.

My shoulder pain is 95% better. No more shooting down my arm. No more huge burning dull ache 24 hrs a day. No more wincing and sucking in my breath every time I lift my arm or move in a certain way. No more pain putting on a coat. And without “melting” any ligaments with more steroid shots! I can even sleep on my right side again!!

Hip pain same as above- poof gone. I can walk comfortably for 2-4 miles a day (haven’t tried longer yet but it doesn’t hurt when I’m at 4 miles so I think it would probably be ok to go longer)

Neck pain, back pain and all over flexibility- this is a big one. I have been stretching every single morning (still im old now so if I don’t stretch in the morning I pay for it later) and finally it doesn’t kill, especially coming out of the stretch. I felt like my muscles and ligaments and joints would like almost seize up while I was in each 30 second stretch and it would be big painful moving out and afterwards. Like the stretch wasn’t even doing a damn thing. Like the tin man in wizard of oz. Needed oil. Or estrogen.

Urinary and vaginial issues way better, so much more energy, aches and pains much improved (I’m not making “the noise” getting in and out of the car, off the couch, out of a chair anymore).

This list doesn’t even address the internal changes HRT is good for. Preventing osteoporosis, rising cholesterol, heart disease, visceral fat around organs, improving mental health, preventing memory issues and Alzheimer’s, etc.

I’m just Happier with a capital H. Just sooo much happier. I’m me again!!!!!! Even my chiropractor, massage therapist and StretchLab’s stretcher have all seen huge improvements in all facets.

However, im still fucking pissed that not one doctor would help me or even recognized that this was all related!! So I’m sharing all of this so maybe someone can spare themselves the hell of menopausal bullshit. I do have an appointment with (who I hope is) a menopause literate doctor in person next month to get some added advice and information. But to say myWinona and Dr. Maryclaire Haver saved me wouldn’t be an overstatement. Oh, and to those at the Lancet who are saying Menopause is being overmedicated… shut up. Look at this. You tell me which side seems overmedicated to you.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Ask me any questions if you have any.

I know this is very different than my usual photography posts and not what this blog is usually about. However I felt like this was way too long for a fb post and I wished I had a firsthand account to read when this all started. So here we are. If menopause isn’t your jam, feel free to skip this post. I’ll be back to posting regular photo content soon.

When all this bullshit started happening to me and I realized I had approximately 57 out of 66 symptoms of menopause, it was time to figure this out. However, the question at the top of my long ass list of questions is WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?! Especially my doctors!!!! We live in a day and age where everyone talks about absolutely everything; politics, weight, plastic surgery/fillers/implants/botox, mental health, physical health, drug addiction, recreational drug use, that you identify as a suitcase or whatever but menopause is still the dirty second cousin that no one wants to discuss, nevermind invite for dinner. It’s like being in the 1950s but only on this one topic. Fuck that. So if you know me (and my big fat mouth) I know you wont be surprised that I’d be the one to speak up. So other women following this path can at least have something to read cause I did not. At least not at first.

Perimenopause was a bitch and no picnic (periods that came and stayed for like 3 weeks a month, hemorrhaging like I was bleeding out, my bathroom was a crime scene less the police tape, PMDD and all the other usual shit) but when the estrogen officially left the building (when I was over one year without a period) things got really ugly really fast. Really, really ugly. But I had literally zero idea all of these symptoms were connected and allll the fault of menopause. Cause many of them don’t seem like they’d have anything to do with menopause. I mean why does my shoulder and hip now ache and lock up so much that I can’t move some days or sleep at night? Why can I not sleep at night anyway? Why do I suddenly have arthritis everywhere? Why am I soooo dizzy? Why can’t I remember anything- am I getting early onset Alzheimer’s? Why do I have heart palpitations? Why is my internal thermostat completely broken? You wanna know why? Menopause like a motherfucker. But did any of the ridiculous number of doctors I was now seeing ever once say “this ____ is due to your complete lack of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone”. No, they did not. And they fucking should’ve.

If you’re still with me, here’s a list of just some of my many menopausal related symptoms some of which you would never, ever think had any relation.

Hot flashes (well, duh this is related-but these were the least of my problems. But all my gyn wanted to discuss) some of which were so bad I almost passed tf out. Literally. Cooking from the inside out but just from my belly to my head with freezing hands and feet. Not to mention the wave of anxiety that preceded every hot flash (and I’m already on lexapro!) as an added bonus. My internal thermostat was completely busted. I’d go from one extreme to the other in seconds. Shivering cold to sweating hot. So pretty.

Vertigo:I already have positional vertigo but this got so much worse. Like need to sit down before I fall down.

Insomnia: I started dreading sleep. It’s normal that it takes me forever to fall asleep but waking up 10 minutes in every night cause of a hot flash and then never going back to sleep for hours. cannot shut off my brain.

Night sweats: I thought I was crying in my sleep but it turns out it was rivulets of sweat running down my face (and the rest of my body) and walking up in a pool of sweat. Very attractive. Then within a few minutes I would be freezing (and wet). Covers on. Covers off. Socks on. Socks off. Sweating. Freezing. Rinse and repeat. All night. Oh, and a fan blowing directly on my face all night, even in winter.

Skin: looks like shit. So wrinkled and dull. Like overnight. No elasticity. (And I drink 30-60oz of water a day, plus use good moisturizer and facial oil and a gua sha so it’s not for lack of hydration or trying)

Brain fog: holy shit I forget everything. Words. Names of things. Why I walked into a room. Did I already take that medicine?

Weight: didn’t change a thing with my fasting protocol, what I eat, when I eat, how much I walk or exercise but I put on a good 15-20 pounds without even”trying”.

Frozen shoulder/impingement bursitis: I thought it was from work. All that time shooting, holding up the heavy camera gear, editing for hours on end. It was not. I got 2 steroid shots in my shoulder to try and make it so I was at least functional but when the dr started saying there could be melting if I got a third shot I opted out. But I was left in constant and debilitating pain. I couldn’t lift my arm at all in certain directions. Putting on a sweater or coat hurt. Oh, and if I did actually fall asleep the shoulder pain would wake me up too.

Hip pain: same as above. At least it was on the same side as the shoulder so I couldn’t sleep on my right side most of the time anyway. But so stiff and sore no matter how much I stretched, used the hip hook, etc.

Neck and joint pain: like arthritic aching constantly. And it would be worse on colder days. I’m popping so much Motrin at this point that I’m on my way to a bleeding ulcer. Or I’m suddenly 80 years old.

Urinary urgency: like if I didn’t get to the bathroom THAT SECOND I wasn’t going to make it.

Heart palpitations, trouble concentrating, exhaustion, clumsiness, more crushing exhaustion, muscle weakness, vaginal dryness and discomfort (discomfort is an understatement), facial hair (seriously?? It’s like adding insult to injury at this point. Some of those chin hairs were approximately 2 miles long), bloating, raynauds worsening, a touch of Attention Deficit Disorder (sometimes more than a touch), and luckily I guess the Lexapro I’ve been on for a few years from my PMDD has definitely kept the mood swings, overreactions and sobbing uncontrollably mostly in check. Although people who live with me may have a differing recollection about that.

Thanks for reading if you made it so far. I hope at least one person reading this feels a little less nuts, a little more seen, said “omg yes! Me too!” to at least a few of the symptoms (not that I wish this bullshit on anyone) but hopefully it’s reassuring that you’re not alone. I’ll do a part 2 if anyone is interested about how I am finally starting to find some relief and how I went about getting it. Because I refuse to feel like I’m in my 80s at 54 and live the next however many years feeling like this.