Menopause like a motherf*cker

I know this is very different than my usual photography posts and not what this blog is usually about. However I felt like this was way too long for a fb post and I wished I had a firsthand account to read when this all started. So here we are. If menopause isn’t your jam, feel free to skip this post. I’ll be back to posting regular photo content soon.

When all this bullshit started happening to me and I realized I had approximately 57 out of 66 symptoms of menopause, it was time to figure this out. However, the question at the top of my long ass list of questions is WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?! Especially my doctors!!!! We live in a day and age where everyone talks about absolutely everything; politics, weight, plastic surgery/fillers/implants/botox, mental health, physical health, drug addiction, recreational drug use, that you identify as a suitcase or whatever but menopause is still the dirty second cousin that no one wants to discuss, nevermind invite for dinner. It’s like being in the 1950s but only on this one topic. Fuck that. So if you know me (and my big fat mouth) I know you wont be surprised that I’d be the one to speak up. So other women following this path can at least have something to read cause I did not. At least not at first.

Perimenopause was a bitch and no picnic (periods that came and stayed for like 3 weeks a month, hemorrhaging like I was bleeding out, my bathroom was a crime scene less the police tape, PMDD and all the other usual shit) but when the estrogen officially left the building (when I was over one year without a period) things got really ugly really fast. Really, really ugly. But I had literally zero idea all of these symptoms were connected and allll the fault of menopause. Cause many of them don’t seem like they’d have anything to do with menopause. I mean why does my shoulder and hip now ache and lock up so much that I can’t move some days or sleep at night? Why can I not sleep at night anyway? Why do I suddenly have arthritis everywhere? Why am I soooo dizzy? Why can’t I remember anything- am I getting early onset Alzheimer’s? Why do I have heart palpitations? Why is my internal thermostat completely broken? You wanna know why? Menopause like a motherfucker. But did any of the ridiculous number of doctors I was now seeing ever once say “this ____ is due to your complete lack of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone”. No, they did not. And they fucking should’ve.

If you’re still with me, here’s a list of just some of my many menopausal related symptoms some of which you would never, ever think had any relation.

Hot flashes (well, duh this is related-but these were the least of my problems. But all my gyn wanted to discuss) some of which were so bad I almost passed tf out. Literally. Cooking from the inside out but just from my belly to my head with freezing hands and feet. Not to mention the wave of anxiety that preceded every hot flash (and I’m already on lexapro!) as an added bonus. My internal thermostat was completely busted. I’d go from one extreme to the other in seconds. Shivering cold to sweating hot. So pretty.

Vertigo:I already have positional vertigo but this got so much worse. Like need to sit down before I fall down.

Insomnia: I started dreading sleep. It’s normal that it takes me forever to fall asleep but waking up 10 minutes in every night cause of a hot flash and then never going back to sleep for hours. cannot shut off my brain.

Night sweats: I thought I was crying in my sleep but it turns out it was rivulets of sweat running down my face (and the rest of my body) and walking up in a pool of sweat. Very attractive. Then within a few minutes I would be freezing (and wet). Covers on. Covers off. Socks on. Socks off. Sweating. Freezing. Rinse and repeat. All night. Oh, and a fan blowing directly on my face all night, even in winter.

Skin: looks like shit. So wrinkled and dull. Like overnight. No elasticity. (And I drink 30-60oz of water a day, plus use good moisturizer and facial oil and a gua sha so it’s not for lack of hydration or trying)

Brain fog: holy shit I forget everything. Words. Names of things. Why I walked into a room. Did I already take that medicine?

Weight: didn’t change a thing with my fasting protocol, what I eat, when I eat, how much I walk or exercise but I put on a good 15-20 pounds without even”trying”.

Frozen shoulder/impingement bursitis: I thought it was from work. All that time shooting, holding up the heavy camera gear, editing for hours on end. It was not. I got 2 steroid shots in my shoulder to try and make it so I was at least functional but when the dr started saying there could be melting if I got a third shot I opted out. But I was left in constant and debilitating pain. I couldn’t lift my arm at all in certain directions. Putting on a sweater or coat hurt. Oh, and if I did actually fall asleep the shoulder pain would wake me up too.

Hip pain: same as above. At least it was on the same side as the shoulder so I couldn’t sleep on my right side most of the time anyway. But so stiff and sore no matter how much I stretched, used the hip hook, etc.

Neck and joint pain: like arthritic aching constantly. And it would be worse on colder days. I’m popping so much Motrin at this point that I’m on my way to a bleeding ulcer. Or I’m suddenly 80 years old.

Urinary urgency: like if I didn’t get to the bathroom THAT SECOND I wasn’t going to make it.

Heart palpitations, trouble concentrating, exhaustion, clumsiness, more crushing exhaustion, muscle weakness, vaginal dryness and discomfort (discomfort is an understatement), facial hair (seriously?? It’s like adding insult to injury at this point. Some of those chin hairs were approximately 2 miles long), bloating, raynauds worsening, a touch of Attention Deficit Disorder (sometimes more than a touch), and luckily I guess the Lexapro I’ve been on for a few years from my PMDD has definitely kept the mood swings, overreactions and sobbing uncontrollably mostly in check. Although people who live with me may have a differing recollection about that.

Thanks for reading if you made it so far. I hope at least one person reading this feels a little less nuts, a little more seen, said “omg yes! Me too!” to at least a few of the symptoms (not that I wish this bullshit on anyone) but hopefully it’s reassuring that you’re not alone. I’ll do a part 2 if anyone is interested about how I am finally starting to find some relief and how I went about getting it. Because I refuse to feel like I’m in my 80s at 54 and live the next however many years feeling like this.